A letter to HC Baker...

Dear HC Baker,

I hate this day.  It's been four years.  When I remember this day I struggle with everything that came before the storm.  I remember I worked that day.  I was trying to get ten hours of work crammed into five so I could leave and get home and we could drive to Michigan.  I knew you were probably already home, packed and waiting patiently for me.  You always had to wait for me.  You also knew there was a good chance I hadn't packed yet.  So that would be another delay to our departure.

I do remember we were excited to get away.  The preceding year had been a rough one and even though we had actually spent more time together than normal, those hours were spent in hospitals.  As difficult as that time was, the rejoicing moments as well as the frustrating, frightening, and heartbreaking moments were finally tender memories.

I finally made it home, packed, straightened the house, left directions for those who would come and attend the house in our absence (TR Baker), and then off we went.  Who knew?

What did we talk about during the drive?  Did I tell you I loved you?  Did we laugh (probably)?  Did I reach over and touch you?  After the accident and the car had come to rest, were you already gone from me?  Did you hear me shouting your name?  I do remember I did touch your leg, actually shook it, trying to get you to look at me even though I couldn't see your face.  Did you hurt for me knowing you were leaving me alone?  Did any of it make any difference to you anymore?  Had you already seen the face of God?  I wonder these things.

I miss your smile.  I miss your hugs, you were famous for them.  Hey, by the way, there's a new kid at church and his name is Jeremy.  You'd like him and he gives an HC Baker kind of hug.  I saw him last night and got one.  It reminded me of you.

I want you to know my faith is much stronger.  Can't imagine how I would have survived this without it.    This time four years ago we were just about to leave Louisville, together, the two of us.  And I came back alone.  I'll be up all night tonight.  I haven't slept this night in four years.  It'd be nice if you could let me know you're happy and also, I'd like to know you think I'm doing OK.

I miss you.  Forever loved,
JB