Today Emily, Grace and I are planning our trip to Louisville tomorrow morning and Brett and Garrett have headed back to Grayling to empty the car. (The car is "totaled" and will be left there.) Emily and the children plan to stay for several weeks and Brett will join us for the weekend. We have decided to have visitation Friday evening at our church with the memorial service on Saturday morning. I have already discussed this with the church staff and we plan to meet with them Tuesday afternoon to finalize the arrangements.
NOTE - Since HC was cremated in Grayling, I decided to not have a Louisville funeral home in charge of the details. Only much later did I once again realize the burden I put on the church staff. I elected to put them in charge. My apologies to all of them and love from deep in my heart for all their hard work, patience, understanding and support.
Continued making and receiving phone calls. What a blessing! What in the world do people do without wonderful christian friends and more importantly, without the love of the Lord in their hearts? Late afternoon, Brett and Garrett return and we began to sort through our belongings. I had forgotten what I brought and had no idea what HC brought. As usual, HC had quite a few fishing rods and artificial bait (enough for several people). Some of our bags were full of broken glass, some were empty, and in others, Brett had put all the things that were loose. I finally had my cell phone (with 52 messages), my glasses, my handbag, shoes (I lost the ones I was wearing at the time of the accident and had been wearing Emily's) and my make-up!!!!!!! Physically I could become the Jo Ann most people recognized. If anyone had been able to see inside me, it was a totally different story. It felt like a huge, speeding ferris wheel, and it kept taking me to the very top and rolling me over.
Emily told me several days later that Brett had taken photos of the car and when I wanted to, I could see them. To this day, I have not done that. Brett also has all the paperwork about the accident, HC's injuries, and coroner's report. He still has it in his files. He's another one I took full advantage of and he never stopped "doing" for me.
I have called Libby and TR and told them we should arrive in Louisville by dinner time Monday evening. I said I would call when we were 30 minutes out and they could meet us at home. Home...what will that be like? Home without HC Baker? I'm in charge. I have to make the decisions. I have to answer the questions. In all our years of marriage, I had chosen to let HC Baker do all those things. He was a control freak and I didn't care. I'll discover later what a mistake that was.
In the morning we'll leave for Louisville. I'm eager to get home. As many of you know, HC Baker was larger than life. I want to get back home so I can feel him around me and see him in the kitchen. Another question...who's gonna' do the cooking?
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
24 Hours
We are back at Emily's home talking and making plans for the next 2 days. Tomorrow (Sunday) Brett will go and empty the car and bring those belongings back to me. HC's ashes will be ready by 11am Monday with the death certificates, so Emily, the children and I will leave for home and pick up HC on the way.
The past 24 hours have been exhausting. I haven't slept since Thursday night so I realize I must try and get some sleep. I still only have HC's cell phone and have been so blessed by the love and support from friends around the world. I take the phone with me to bed, and amazingly enough I do fall asleep. The phone wakes me at 3am. I answer it immediately and listen to TR crying. He said he didn't expect me to answer it. He just wanted to hear Dad's voice. I hung up the phone and it quickly rang again. I didn't answer it, but held it tightly to my heart.
What a journey we have ahead.
The past 24 hours have been exhausting. I haven't slept since Thursday night so I realize I must try and get some sleep. I still only have HC's cell phone and have been so blessed by the love and support from friends around the world. I take the phone with me to bed, and amazingly enough I do fall asleep. The phone wakes me at 3am. I answer it immediately and listen to TR crying. He said he didn't expect me to answer it. He just wanted to hear Dad's voice. I hung up the phone and it quickly rang again. I didn't answer it, but held it tightly to my heart.
What a journey we have ahead.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
My Last Look
In the late afternoon I called TR and Libby to tell them I was going to see Dad one last time. Since he was to be cremated, I was hoping to have that accomplished before returning to Louisville. However, I needed to make sure that was OK with Libby and TR. Emily and I would see him soon for the last time and I wanted Libby and TR to be able to do that too if they desired. I told them both I would be happy to bring Dad back to Louisville for them. Bless both of them because they said they had the last image of him in their minds and in their hearts.
Two things I was not aware of...
* In Michigan (don't know about other states), if you die in a car accident, you must be autopsied. I was sorry about that because HC had said many times, "When I die, just "cook" me!" Perfect comment from him, don't you think?
* If I did indeed take his body back to Louisville, he would have to be embalmed. He didn't want that either!
HC and I used to joke about final arrangements and what we wanted. We always laughed and said it didn't make any difference because whoever goes first will be at the mercy of the other!
So Emily, Brett, Garrett, Grace and I headed back to Grayling, MI, where the accident occurred and HC's body was being held. I had no idea what to expect or if I could even do this. We had explained to the children where we were going and why. We told them it was their decision if they wanted to see Gran. No one would make them do anything. We arrived at the funeral home and were taken into a conference room to discuss what would happen. It was also the time for me to sign the papers for cremation (and of course pay the fees!). I was also told the fees included 10 official and original death certificates. (I had no idea then that I would need every one of them. As recently as late August/2011, I had to send another one!)
All of us sat there and listened to the explanation. We were told HC was dressed in a plain white tee shirt, in a twin bed, with a quilt pulled up under his arms. He would look like he was asleep. Did we have any questions? Yes, I said. (Don't know where this came from.) I wanted to now what he would feel like. I was told he would feel cool to the touch but soft. OK, I can do this. Both of the children said they wanted to see Gran so we were all lead into another room. And there he was looking like he was asleep just as we were told. There were chairs around him and I sat down in one of them. Garrett stood at the end of the bed but Grace came right up to HC and hugged him, began to rub his arm and talk to him. The wonder of children. We stayed there for some time, then went back to the conference room for final signatures. While I was finishing, Grace came to me and asked if she could go back in "there"? Brett immediately stood and took her hand and went with her. We all followed shortly. It was the strength of an 8 year old who gave me the strength to say goodbye to HC.
On the way back, we did stop at the accident scene and Emily and Brett got out of the car and went down the hill. (After the accident, the emergency people had to cut HC out of the car.) They found quite a few of our belongings that had escaped the car during the aftermath. They collected all they saw. We headed back to their home for the night.
While we were with HC, Brett had received word that the state police had released the car and we could come on Sunday afternoon and clean it out. I already knew this was a trip I would not make.
And I wasn't sure I even wanted to know about it. Wonderful Brett said he would take care of it. The first day without HC was about to end. Maybe I would wake up in the morning and this had all been a dream. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Two things I was not aware of...
* In Michigan (don't know about other states), if you die in a car accident, you must be autopsied. I was sorry about that because HC had said many times, "When I die, just "cook" me!" Perfect comment from him, don't you think?
* If I did indeed take his body back to Louisville, he would have to be embalmed. He didn't want that either!
HC and I used to joke about final arrangements and what we wanted. We always laughed and said it didn't make any difference because whoever goes first will be at the mercy of the other!
So Emily, Brett, Garrett, Grace and I headed back to Grayling, MI, where the accident occurred and HC's body was being held. I had no idea what to expect or if I could even do this. We had explained to the children where we were going and why. We told them it was their decision if they wanted to see Gran. No one would make them do anything. We arrived at the funeral home and were taken into a conference room to discuss what would happen. It was also the time for me to sign the papers for cremation (and of course pay the fees!). I was also told the fees included 10 official and original death certificates. (I had no idea then that I would need every one of them. As recently as late August/2011, I had to send another one!)
All of us sat there and listened to the explanation. We were told HC was dressed in a plain white tee shirt, in a twin bed, with a quilt pulled up under his arms. He would look like he was asleep. Did we have any questions? Yes, I said. (Don't know where this came from.) I wanted to now what he would feel like. I was told he would feel cool to the touch but soft. OK, I can do this. Both of the children said they wanted to see Gran so we were all lead into another room. And there he was looking like he was asleep just as we were told. There were chairs around him and I sat down in one of them. Garrett stood at the end of the bed but Grace came right up to HC and hugged him, began to rub his arm and talk to him. The wonder of children. We stayed there for some time, then went back to the conference room for final signatures. While I was finishing, Grace came to me and asked if she could go back in "there"? Brett immediately stood and took her hand and went with her. We all followed shortly. It was the strength of an 8 year old who gave me the strength to say goodbye to HC.
On the way back, we did stop at the accident scene and Emily and Brett got out of the car and went down the hill. (After the accident, the emergency people had to cut HC out of the car.) They found quite a few of our belongings that had escaped the car during the aftermath. They collected all they saw. We headed back to their home for the night.
While we were with HC, Brett had received word that the state police had released the car and we could come on Sunday afternoon and clean it out. I already knew this was a trip I would not make.
And I wasn't sure I even wanted to know about it. Wonderful Brett said he would take care of it. The first day without HC was about to end. Maybe I would wake up in the morning and this had all been a dream. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Friday, October 28, 2011
2 More Calls
When I left the hospital a few hours ago, the Sheriff had given me a plastic bag containing HC's billfold, his glasses, and his cell phone. My personal belongings were still in the car.
It's Saturday morning and HC has been dead for about 8 hours. I'm at Emily's home and Grace, my youngest granddaughter (8), has just walked into the kitchen. She has a huge smile on her face and asks where Gran (her best buddy) is. Emily and I look at each other, and I explain to her we had an automobile accident last night and Gran died. She walks over to me, climbs into my lap, and puts her arms around me. A few minutes behind her, Garrett (12), joins us. It's going to be a difficult day and I had no idea! I need to call Libby and TR. Libby works until noon on Saturdays, so I decided to call TR first. Before calling TR, I called our wonderful friends, Jack and Lou. I told Jack what had happened and told him I had to call TR and would he please go to TR right now to be there to support him. This was the first call I made to dear friends asking them to do incredible things for me. God bless them all.
Even though TR and HC seldom agreed on anything, their love was deep and steadfast. If they had nothing else in the world, they knew they had each other. I dialed TR's number on HC's cell. TR answered immediately and said "Dad, I've been trying to call you. Where are you?" It was my turn to speak. Very quietly and slowly I told TR what had happened all the while knowing I was breaking his heart. We were both silent on the phone waiting for one of us to say something else. This is my child and I do not know what to say to him, what to do for him and I'm 9 hours away. Jack arrived while I was still connected to TR. I had to let him go and give him over to Jack and the Lord.
Next Libby - I cannot call her at work or call her children, my grandchildren, with this news. My sister Linda was ill at this time so I called my sister Mary. I shared with Mary what had happened and asked her to go to Libby's work and tell her. Then take her to get my other 4 grandchildren and take them all to be with TR. And after that, go and tell Linda. (Linda was very sick and at that time we did not know the full extent of her illness. She was diagnosed with 2 forms of cancer and would end up in the hospital by the end of the week.) Again, I was asking the impossible of people I love.
I continued calling family and close friends. In about an hour, Libby called me and we talked. I was now able to take a deep breath and know that our children and grandchildren knew HC/Dad/Gran was dead. I began receiving calls of love and support from our friends and family. Emily and Brett's friends began to drop by their home bringing food and supplies. Isn't that what we were taught to do? When someone dies, start cooking! Our Mothers would be so proud.
Many years ago HC and I had decided to be cremated. But wait. I was taken from the car and the scene of the accident and I needed to see HC one more time before cremation. Brett came to me and said the funeral home where HC was has called and we can see him at 6pm. Is that agreeable to me? Yes, and now I need to prepare for that. Will this day ever end?
It's Saturday morning and HC has been dead for about 8 hours. I'm at Emily's home and Grace, my youngest granddaughter (8), has just walked into the kitchen. She has a huge smile on her face and asks where Gran (her best buddy) is. Emily and I look at each other, and I explain to her we had an automobile accident last night and Gran died. She walks over to me, climbs into my lap, and puts her arms around me. A few minutes behind her, Garrett (12), joins us. It's going to be a difficult day and I had no idea! I need to call Libby and TR. Libby works until noon on Saturdays, so I decided to call TR first. Before calling TR, I called our wonderful friends, Jack and Lou. I told Jack what had happened and told him I had to call TR and would he please go to TR right now to be there to support him. This was the first call I made to dear friends asking them to do incredible things for me. God bless them all.
Even though TR and HC seldom agreed on anything, their love was deep and steadfast. If they had nothing else in the world, they knew they had each other. I dialed TR's number on HC's cell. TR answered immediately and said "Dad, I've been trying to call you. Where are you?" It was my turn to speak. Very quietly and slowly I told TR what had happened all the while knowing I was breaking his heart. We were both silent on the phone waiting for one of us to say something else. This is my child and I do not know what to say to him, what to do for him and I'm 9 hours away. Jack arrived while I was still connected to TR. I had to let him go and give him over to Jack and the Lord.
Next Libby - I cannot call her at work or call her children, my grandchildren, with this news. My sister Linda was ill at this time so I called my sister Mary. I shared with Mary what had happened and asked her to go to Libby's work and tell her. Then take her to get my other 4 grandchildren and take them all to be with TR. And after that, go and tell Linda. (Linda was very sick and at that time we did not know the full extent of her illness. She was diagnosed with 2 forms of cancer and would end up in the hospital by the end of the week.) Again, I was asking the impossible of people I love.
I continued calling family and close friends. In about an hour, Libby called me and we talked. I was now able to take a deep breath and know that our children and grandchildren knew HC/Dad/Gran was dead. I began receiving calls of love and support from our friends and family. Emily and Brett's friends began to drop by their home bringing food and supplies. Isn't that what we were taught to do? When someone dies, start cooking! Our Mothers would be so proud.
Many years ago HC and I had decided to be cremated. But wait. I was taken from the car and the scene of the accident and I needed to see HC one more time before cremation. Brett came to me and said the funeral home where HC was has called and we can see him at 6pm. Is that agreeable to me? Yes, and now I need to prepare for that. Will this day ever end?
Thursday, October 27, 2011
The First Call
First I must tell you I was so blessed that night because one of our (do I keep saying our?) daughters, Emily, lives very close to our MI cottage.
So, by the time I was "officially" told HC was dead (I knew it within seconds after the car stopped rolling), and I was taken to the hospital, it was 1am. After I was checked to confirm I had no injuries, I was asked if I wanted to call someone. Dear Lord help me! They brought me a phone and dialed Emily's home. At that hour of the morning, when the phone rings, it scares all of us. My wonderful son-in-law answered the phone and at first I simply couldn't speak. I had no clue what to say. Somehow he knew it was me and I heard him tell Emily, "It's your Mother." She took the phone and asked the question, what's wrong? "We've had an accident and Dad's dead." Seven words and I had to say them 2 more times. How would I have the strength? Brett took the phone from Emily, I explained where I was and he said they'd be there as quickly as possible. In the midst of all of this, I kept asking about our dog Lady. Did you find her, is she OK, she has to be in the car. At one point in the Emergency Room, someone did come in to tell me they had found her under luggage in the back of the car. The local animal shelter had come and taken her there. I was so worried about her. She was an old dog, and I'm sure scared to death. She and HC were such a pair, I'm sure she was wondering where he was.
Everyone was so kind to me, and I have to say I felt a certain peace. They offered me what I refer to as "coping drugs", but I didn't feel the need for them. And I wanted to be able to understand what was happening. Emily and Brett arrived and we were able to survive those first few moments. Now I could share my sorrow, my worries, and my breaking heart with family. Brett took charge just like HC would have. He spoke to everyone, got the facts and figures, the who, what, where, when, and how. Finally we were told we could leave. Brett knew where HC was and would handle that for us. The animal shelter people brought Lady to the hospital and Brett put her in their car. Brett and Emily walked me out to the car and opened the back end so I could see Lady. She looked at me with her huge brown eyes and died. I've always said HC didn't want to go without her and she didn't want to live without him. Oh my. What next?
We drove to Emily's home and Brett immediately took Lady and buried her with their other pets who had passed on. We've always called it the pet cemetery, but VERY unlike the Stephen King one! The sun was rising on a new day. It was a quiet time for us. Soft words were spoken and Emily began the lists of what needed to be done. At the top of it, 2 more phone calls to Libby and TR.
I saw a sign today that said "Have a great day today!" Hope you did.
So, by the time I was "officially" told HC was dead (I knew it within seconds after the car stopped rolling), and I was taken to the hospital, it was 1am. After I was checked to confirm I had no injuries, I was asked if I wanted to call someone. Dear Lord help me! They brought me a phone and dialed Emily's home. At that hour of the morning, when the phone rings, it scares all of us. My wonderful son-in-law answered the phone and at first I simply couldn't speak. I had no clue what to say. Somehow he knew it was me and I heard him tell Emily, "It's your Mother." She took the phone and asked the question, what's wrong? "We've had an accident and Dad's dead." Seven words and I had to say them 2 more times. How would I have the strength? Brett took the phone from Emily, I explained where I was and he said they'd be there as quickly as possible. In the midst of all of this, I kept asking about our dog Lady. Did you find her, is she OK, she has to be in the car. At one point in the Emergency Room, someone did come in to tell me they had found her under luggage in the back of the car. The local animal shelter had come and taken her there. I was so worried about her. She was an old dog, and I'm sure scared to death. She and HC were such a pair, I'm sure she was wondering where he was.
Everyone was so kind to me, and I have to say I felt a certain peace. They offered me what I refer to as "coping drugs", but I didn't feel the need for them. And I wanted to be able to understand what was happening. Emily and Brett arrived and we were able to survive those first few moments. Now I could share my sorrow, my worries, and my breaking heart with family. Brett took charge just like HC would have. He spoke to everyone, got the facts and figures, the who, what, where, when, and how. Finally we were told we could leave. Brett knew where HC was and would handle that for us. The animal shelter people brought Lady to the hospital and Brett put her in their car. Brett and Emily walked me out to the car and opened the back end so I could see Lady. She looked at me with her huge brown eyes and died. I've always said HC didn't want to go without her and she didn't want to live without him. Oh my. What next?
We drove to Emily's home and Brett immediately took Lady and buried her with their other pets who had passed on. We've always called it the pet cemetery, but VERY unlike the Stephen King one! The sun was rising on a new day. It was a quiet time for us. Soft words were spoken and Emily began the lists of what needed to be done. At the top of it, 2 more phone calls to Libby and TR.
I saw a sign today that said "Have a great day today!" Hope you did.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Mile Marker 262
How many times have we heard or maybe even said...I'm having an out-of-body experience?
Well, what began as an 8-hour drive to our cottage in northern Michigan became my out-of-body experience. I was driving, it was dark, it was late and all of this was totally normal on our trips to Michigan. About 60 miles south of our exit (310), we ran into a terrible storm. In a split second, the rain was so hard, I lost control of the car. It began a spin and HC Baker said "Oh brother, hang on!" Those were the last words he spoke. The spinning car left the road, rolled over, and stopped on it's side against a tree. It seemed that immediately, wonderful people who's names I will never know were outside the car shouting to me. I was shouting too, for HELP! HC was right next to me but I could only see his body. He was bent forward and his head was under the dashboard. I was talking (probably shouting) to him, rubbing his leg. The wonderful angels were able to get the car door open and somehow pull me out. They asked if I was alone in the car and I shouted NO, my husband is in that car and our dog, Lady, a yellow lab. I was walked up the hill and put in someone's car. The police, ambulance, and fire department arrived so fast. (I wonder about that - was it as fast as I thought or was my life as I knew it flying by?)
I can recall nearly every minute of that night and will tell you more about it as those moments reappear in the next months of my life. Because I was wearing my seat belt, I had one tiny scratch on the back of my left hand. HC was not wearing his seat belt and died instantly. Now if that's not a lesson to "buckle-up", you've got to learning impaired!
June 11, 2010 - The beginning of the rest of my life, my widow world!
Tomorrow - the phone calls.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
My First Blog!
My name is Jo Ann Baker and my husband died June 11, 2010, and what a journey I've been on since that day. I have discovered so many things about myself, life and widowhood. I've laughed and cried a lot, lived to talk about it and still spend many days wondering what I'm supposed to be doing!
I hope to be able to help other spouses survive the trials and tribulations of being the one left behind. I'll be back-tracking to "the day" and fill you in on some surprises, totally outrageous happenings, low moments, and laughing again.
I'll post every day and look forward to hearing your thoughts about my experiences or yours! Tomorrow I'll tell you about how and why my husband died. I'm still angry with him! (Hint - BUCKLE UP!)
Hope your Tuesday is awesome! Talk to you tomorrow! JB
I hope to be able to help other spouses survive the trials and tribulations of being the one left behind. I'll be back-tracking to "the day" and fill you in on some surprises, totally outrageous happenings, low moments, and laughing again.
I'll post every day and look forward to hearing your thoughts about my experiences or yours! Tomorrow I'll tell you about how and why my husband died. I'm still angry with him! (Hint - BUCKLE UP!)
Hope your Tuesday is awesome! Talk to you tomorrow! JB
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)