Soon to be four years ago, HC Baker died and my heart was broken into a million pieces. Quite honestly, I didn't think it would ever heal. Plenty of days it seems like yesterday and other days it seems like forever. I decided then, I would create an invisible shell that would surround my body to protect me from any future heartache. Then I went on about my business. I sold a couple of houses, made a significant move, sold another house, bought an old house, spent nine months renovating it, lived in it for three years and now I have sold it! Time to move again!
All during this time I hated that invisible shell. At first it became my friend because it seemed to be working. Bad things just seemed to bounce off me, or more accurately, I avoided bad things. I focused only on good things and the shell began to disappear. I found I was returning to some of my former self. I ventured out more, made new friends, saw some of the world, learned quite a few lessons, and gained a new comfort to my life. In the past year I decided to try a few new things, open myself up to a new beginning, see what else is out there. I used to be brave and wanted to be brave again. I wanted to give something...not sure what, but I just knew there were new experiences and renewed experiences waiting for me, looking for me. Thinking about it was exciting. Last fall I began to search for hidden opportunities. Nothing life-changing but within my comfort zone. I can do this now. The shell was gone. My heart said step out there, try this. You'll be safe.
Now here's where it gets interesting. You know that saying about men having two brains (not intending to offend anyone)? Well, last weekend I discovered I have two brains. I have the one in my head and the one in my heart. And I discovered they don't always blend their thoughts together. How is it my "head" brain sees so clearly and my "heart" brain wears rose-colored glasses? Or is it the reverse? Curious! After what I thought was a great deal of mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation, I had the rug pulled out from under me! Thought I was prepared, but obviously missed some very significant signals.
I've read quite a few of the "grieving" books out there and didn't finish any of them! They didn't sound like me and what I was experiencing. What I want is a rule book. How do you "play" this new life? How do you trust this new life? Where can you find this new life? I'm still new to this and did warn myself I could stumble and fall, but I had hope. Hope is a part of that "heart" brain thing.
So here's what I've decided. Right now, I have an incredibly full plate. The house has sold and will close in 30-45 days. After that, I have ten days to vacate. I have to get straight with the movers, get packed, find a new home for me and Nutty and Maggie, and get all the details of this home settled so I can make a new home and start again. I'm hoping to find the excitement in that!
And the shell is back!
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