Bearin' my soul talkin' about another first!

Last year at Christmastime I was in Louisville staying at my sister Linda's home.  All my Louisville "stuff" was in storage so I was enjoying everyone else's holiday decorations and participating in their traditions.  Not until today did I realize what a gift that was.

This afternoon Brett took me to the woods and we (he) cut down a Christmas tree for my living room.  I had already found and unpacked the ornaments for what we always called the big tree.  I do have my ballet tree up and decorated, but then again I have always done that by myself.  Brett trimmed the bottom to fit in the stand and brought it in the house.  It's standing straight and tall exactly where I wanted it.  Brett left, TR went to work, today's assortment of re-modelers left (after making a mess of the kitchen floor AGAIN!!!), and I am left alone to decorate this tree.  HC Baker hadn't decorated a Christmas tree in many a year but he was always the one to build the fire, make the hot chocolate, and of course...supervise!

So here I am...alone to decorate this tree.  All the decorations are lined up on the coffee table, I have tested all the lights and they work, the garland is ready to "round" the tree, and the star is looking toward the it's place at the very top.  I was able to find a Christmas music station on the TV because I have no idea where our CD player is nor do I know where the CD's are!  I'm all set.

So why am I just sitting here looking at all this stuff?  The excitement of doing this has completely left me.  It's with a sense of dread that I have to do this...alone.  If I really think about it, I could cry, but every time I think I might cry, I get angry with HC.  Why????  Because it's all his fault I'm alone.  Then when I get this way I begin to question everything I've done since he died.  And I hate that!  I can't even escape to the mall unless I want to drive 3 hours!  And I don't.  OK what to do?

Here's the plan.  I'm going to fix myself some dinner.  I think it will be one of those P.F. Changs frozen things.  I love those and they fix fast!  Then I'm going to treat myself to a bag of peanut butter oreos (I love those things too) and then I'm going to decorate this tree.  Hopefully tomorrow I can boast that it's done!  Do I hear an AMEN out there in "blogland"!!!!!