August 1, 2010

Today would have been my 36th wedding anniversary.  I didn't know when I went to bed last night what today would feel like.  Well, it's here.

I feel sad.  Sad for all the times we will miss together.  Sad for the time wasted when we would have our little (sometimes big) disagreements.  Sad for not choosing to do the things we wanted to do when we wanted to do them, like going to Venice (my biggest desire), like selling our house and living on a houseboat (HC's biggest desire), like retiring, buying an RV and traveling across the country stopping when and where we wanted to, like letting the stress of work rule our lives.  Can you relate?

I feel lonely.  I hope your significant other is your best friend.  HC was mine.  We started as best friends when we went to high school together.  When we fell in love and married, we didn't always agree on things, but when I needed someone for any reason, he was the person I would call.  And he would come immediately.  He was the person I would talk to and say anything.  He would never judge me or make fun of my thoughts or ideas.  Together we could even be silent (and that's saying something about both of us!).  Can you relate?

I feel angry.  Why in the world would he not wear a seat belt?  The kids and I used to nag him about it (not good) hoping we could shame him into it!  Didn't happen.  I'm angry because I have to clean up all these messes he left behind.  (I'm having a pity party at the same time, can you tell?)  All these collections of his.  Remember - he collected lots of things but didn't organize any of them.  Do you know at one time he had 528 cookie jars?  Where do you put 528 cookie jars?  Fortunately we did sell that collection before he died.  But he still had stamps, coins, yo-yo's, flashlights, pens, wooden boxes, and more.  He and TR Baker shared collections of baseball cards, the original Star Wars figures, GI Joe stuff, match-box cars and on and on.  TR Baker did take those shared collections to his house.  (Funny - now he and I are sharing a home again and guess what.  That stuff's all back!!!!!!)  Can you relate?

I feel happy.  HC is with the Lord and healthy.  He and Lady are fishing and hunting and enjoying nature at it's best as you can imagine!  The last 2 years of HC's life were hard.  His health problems got worse and worse.  He was very frustrated.  He would never again be able to go to a disaster area and work with the Kentucky Baptist Convention's mobile kitchen.  He loved that.  He would never again participate in a Habitat for Humanity re-build like he did in India after the tsunami.  In 2009 he spent 5 weeks at Baptist East Hospital in Louisville and then was air-ambulanced to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MI., where we spent another 4 weeks.  That's a lot of hospital time.  Can you relate?

I feel relieved.  I won't have to experience this first anniversary after he died again.