So Much Stuff!

Several weeks have passed and...
We've bagged and tagged so much stuff and part of it is on the front porch for pick-up.  Called all those agencies who called me over the years and they are coming.  It will take a few weeks but this part of the "de-clutterig" is on its' way.

Yesterday, Emily and the children went back to MI for a few weeks.  I'm alone in the house for the first time since HC Baker and Lady died.  I do still have my cardinal close by so I don't feel alone.  But I do feel alone.  So many times I think of something or hear of something or a bit of news and want to tell HC about it.  I'm back at work and that does fill my days but not my nights.  The TV's on for noise.  I can't focus enough to read and wonder what I'm supposed to do.  That's my biggest question, what do I do, who am I, where am I supposed to be?  (I can tell you it's been almost 17 months and I still ask myself those questions.  One day at a time!)

Here's funny story...
It's amazing what you receive in the mail after your spouse dies.  I received a letter (form of course) from the Social Security Administration informing me I was entitled to a death benefit.  I needed to call their number, make an appointment and they would tell me about it.  I did.  Have you ever been to the social security office?  I was expecting a lot of old people but saw a room full of young people with small children.  Why are they there?  (This was the beginning of my education!!!!)  After signing in, I found a chair and began my wait.  (I did make an appointment!)  Finally my name was called and I was told to go to window 8.  In the waiting area I only saw windows 1-3.  Where was 8?  The security guard (why do we need a security guard at the social security office?) told me to go through the door and follow the numbers.  OK.  I found window 8 and there is a young man on the other side of the counter and his name plate says Mr. Moon.  I thought that was an interesting name so I asked him about his heritage.  With a TOTALLY blank expression, he told me he was American!  So much for that!  Anyway, he told me since my husband died I could receive this ONE TIME death benefit.  When I die, my children will not be able to receive another BENEFIT for me.  This benefit was established by congress many years ago to help defer funeral expenses.  OK, I'm excited.  How much is this one time benefit?  Blank expression again, eyes focused down, $255.  It took me a few seconds to process this and then I burst out laughing.  His blank expression turned into a glare.  I told him, "I've bought shoes that cost more than that!"  $255 pays for NOTHING related to a death and funeral.  I asked him if this was a joke?  Glare again!  He gave me papers to sign and I left absolutely giddy with the prospect of $255.  I can now retire!

Each day the mailperson delivers bills all addressed to HC Baker.  Before Emily left, she set up a system for recording and paying the bills.  Oh wow!  And for each bill, I make a call to tell them HC Baker is dead.  Double oh wow!  The recording says to say anything and they will connect me.  I have said "SPEAK TO A BREATHING PERSON" at least 10 times per call.  Finally I am connected to a breathing person (sort of in some cases) and begin my speech.  EVERY response is the same.  "We need proof of your husband's death."  Do women around the world make these calls for fun?  Do these companies have a history of accepting women's word only to discover it was a lie?  Hence the death certificates.  I mail 'em and they record 'em!  Some need original and others will accept a copy.  They're very specific about how it must be!  I honestly believe some of these companies have a training class called "How to piss off (excuse me) a surviving spouse"!   I can do this!

I have once again searched through all of HC's files, papers, books, truck, basement, garage to no avail.  NO WILL TO BE FOUND!  Tomorrow I've got to do something about this.  As difficult as life can be sometimes, I swear dyin' or survivin' ain't for the faint of heart!